Pa we're all English

We're all related to the royal family

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5. We're all related to the royal family

Oh, that we were! Then we would all have been invited to The Wedding Of The Century rather than watching/enduring it on telly. No, don't ever make a British friend in the hope that they'll be able introduce you to Kate and Wills one day. They won't. They'll just be squashing their nose up against the railings of Buckingham Palace like the rest of you plebs.

Oh, that they were! Not only would they be handsome, dashing and impeccably well-mannered, they'd also fight in the street. Oh, hang on...

  • 7. Our country is littered with red telephone boxes...

  • cabs...

No, no and no. The chances of seeing a man wearing a bowler hat emerging from a red telephone box and hopping in a black cab in Britain are slimmer than seeing Hugh Grant and Colin Firth fight in the street (unless filming on 'Bridget Jones 3' has started already).

We don't. Honestly. Just look at Kate! And Pippa! And Simon Cowell! (Unfortunately, he wasn't in the VIP box at Wimbledon that day. But we know you know what his teeth look like.) We Brits have come a long way, dentistry-speaking: overcrowded snaggletooths are a thing of the past. Or at least the 1980s.

No, we're not. We didn't all study at Oxford or Cambridge, and our accent isn't an automatic sign of intelligence. We blame Sherlock Holmes. Trust us: we're not as smart as him. Most of us aren't even as smart as Benedict Cumberbatch.

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